


Resurgance (Progression Has Never Been Linear)

by EternityPrevails



Series: Secrets [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Robin: Son of Batman (Comics), Son of Batman (2014), Young Justice (Cartoon), Young Justice (Comics), Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Bonding, Brotherly Love, Damian Wayne Has Feelings, Damian Wayne Has Issues, Depression, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24148438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternityPrevails/pseuds/EternityPrevails
Summary: When Damian was 10 his PTSD got really bad and he started self-harming but he got help and recovered. Now he's seventeen, a college freshman, living in an apartment with Dick, and hasn't self-harmed in almost three years.But after a discussion in one of his classes, he ends up really triggered and really wants to fall back into old habits.Related to my stories "tell me your secrets" & "secrets are heavy" but can easily be read as a one-shot.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne
Series: Secrets [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1720981
Comments: 7
Kudos: 69





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> BOLD = flashback/memory

Damian hated this fucking sociology class, it was slow-paced and boring as fuck. Yes, they talked about good things ever so often but most the time it was beyond uninteresting, exceptionally easy, and if it wasn't for the attendance grade a class Damian would have skipped every day without a second thought. He carelessly scribbled in his notebook waiting for the professor to start his lecture. Damian was sitting in the back of the class pretending not to exist, this professor wasn't a fan of him because they had gotten in debated multiple times. Over the stupidest stuff too like if racism was still a problem if rape culture was real, and if reverse racism existed. He didn't know what they were talking about today but he knew he would rather not be here.

"Okay, so today we were supposed to be talking about the prison industry, but I decided to change up the schedule a bit. So we are going to be talking about abuse instead." Damian immediately tensed up looking down at his notebook and taking a deep breath. This lecture was supposed to be next week and he had already had plans to skip it, but now he was here and if he got up to leave everyone would see him. So he tried his best to breath and listen to the professor talk in a grating monotone voice about abuse statistics. Damian knew enough about abuse, he had been abused in the league and then by Bruce. He continued to sketch trying to drown out the teachers talking and feeling panic build in his chest. 

He glanced at the clock 3:20, this class got out at 4:20. He shifted uncomfortably biting his bottom lip and going back to his sketch. He tried to let the words go in one ear and out the other and not have an effect on him. Though that was clearly not working given the panic and discomfort bubbling in his chest. Damian watched his notebook hoping that nobody could notice his obvious discomfort and glad he was in the back row so people didn't see him. "well kids should forgive their parents, they are their parents after all. they still love them" some kid in the front row felt the need to speak up. Damian shifted in his seat physically biting his bottom lip to stop from speaking. 

He would never forgive his mother or his father. They were both terrible abusive people and he wouldn't forgive them if his life depended on it. They didn't love him, he wasn't even sure either of them could feel love. Both of them had only wanted him for a weapon. He glanced at the clock again 3:40, this class always seemed to drag. But today it seemed to be dragging slower than usual, he felt like he had been here listening to this lecture for hours. He continued mindlessly drawing but at the point, he was mostly scribbling nothingness rather than an actual drawing.

The professor walked to the computer bringing up a video. It was a child abuse awareness video. Damian felt his mouth go dry, he wanted to look away but his eyes felt stuck on the screen. The video opened up with a trigger warning and immediately could hear the sounds of screaming from the video. The video showed a little boy running away and his dad bursting into his room and grabbing him by the hair and throwing him down. Screaming at him that he was a mistake and not good enough. Then the video ended with a link to the national child abuse hotline website and a few statistics. The video was only a matter of thirty seconds long but those thirty seconds were more than long enough for Damian to be triggered as fuck. 

* * *

**Talia grabbed Damian's hair yanking him out of the medical bed and throwing him to the ground. "STAND UP!" She screamed and Damian tried but he was really sick and standing made his vision swim. As soon as he got to his feel he collapsed. She slapped him hard kicking him while he laid on the ground. This was his punishment for failing a mission, a mission he had failed because he was so sick. But she didn't care about that. All she cared was that he failed and he needed to be punished.**

**"FAILURE, YOU STUPID FAILURE. YOU ARE SUCH AFUCKING DISSAPOINTMENT1 WHAT KIND OF ASSASSIN ARE YOU. I SHOULD JUST KILL YOU NOW AN REPLACE YOUR ASS WITH A BETTER CHILD, ONE THAT won't BE SUCH A FAILURE! IT WOULD MAKE TOO MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE, YOU KEEP FAILING MISSIONS LIKE YOU DID TODAY AND YOU WILL DIE SOON ENOUGH ANYWAY."**

**Damian whimpered curling into himself. he wanted to fight back but he was starved and sick and exhausted. His mothers kicks bruised his entire body. She stopped and he heard her walk away, he thought maybe he would leave him alone. But a few seconds later he felt a paddle strike him skin.**

Damian laid his head back doing his best not to react to the violent flashbacks. His entire body was buzzing with fight or flight energy and he wanted out of here. He could feel the physical pain of his mother hitting him. He could hear her screaming in his ears. It was so hard to keep onto his fragile control and not break down in front of everyone. He looked at the clock. 3:45. 

He conversation shifted from physical abuse to emotional and mental abuse. Damian wasn't even trying to draw at the point. He pulled out his phone looking at it, the class was big enough that the professor would notice. He debated texting Dick but he was at work and Damian didn't really want to bother him. He really shouldn't even be having this bad of a reaction to this lecture anyway. He had been away from the abuse for almost six years ar this point. 

"I don't think emotional abuse is real" That same obnoxious boy from earlier spoke up again. 

* * *

**Damian's legs gave out again. All his muscles felt like they were on fire and his back where the scars were was stiff white-hot flames. He was trembling from exertion but that was only making the pain worse.** **"GET UP" the expected scream came and he didn't move. He wanted to but his muscles simply wouldn't allow it. "ROBIN, GET ON YOUR FEET" Damian didn't move. He was barely able to hold the position he was in, if he tried to get to his feet he would certainly collapse. "DAMIAN AL'GUAL WAYNE"**

**Damian froze swallowing the lump in his throat. Instinctually bracing for the blow that he knew always cane when his mother said his full name. Except for this wasn't his mother it was his father who had never hit him. Still, Damian couldn't stop himself from tensing up in fear.**

**"You're a disappointment" Bruce wasn't yelling anymore. That terrified Damian more. he was a failure not even worth the energy it would take to scream at him."Laying on the floor like a pathetic child" Damian felt tears burn his eyes. He knew it was bruce speaking but all he could hear was his mother's voice sneering and mean. Berating him in the softest most gentle voice. He wanted to be a good assassin, a good son. He was tensing so much it made the trembling worse which only increased his pain. "What are you going to start crying, what kind of assassin are you." Damian felt like his chest was tight, his clothes were suffocation. He wasn't getting enough air into his lungs. His vision was blurred with tears.**

* * *

Damian tried to blink the tears out of his eyes but focusing and keeping his cool was becoming increasingly difficult. His chest felt tight and he wanted to scream or cry. He dug his nails into his arm trying to remain grounded. He couldn't even hear the professor anymore, his mind was a whirlwind of memories and screaming and fear. He felt like he would be sick. He was trying to keep himself together, he wanted to leave but he would draw the attention to himself and that was the last thing he needed or wanted. 

"Well rich kids shouldn't complain about abuse cause it cancels out by them being spoiled." 

Damian looked at the clock trying not to think about the boys statment. It was 4:15, the class would be over in just a few minutes. He just needed to keep it together for just a few minutes and he would be okay. He just needed to keep it together. He dug his nails deeper in his arm drawing blood. It felt nice and made him want to cut, a habit he had kicked almost three years ago. But not he had the strongest urges to dig his knife across his leg. Even thinking about it made him crave the pain and the blood.

"Okay, so I will see all of you on Wednesday"

The professor had barley finished wishing them a good day and Damian was packed up and out of the room. he rushed to the nearest single person bathroom locking the bathroom door and sliding to the floor. He knew it wasn't sanitary but he couldn't bring himself to care. He had barely hit the floor before a weak sob escaped his lips and everything he had been holding back all burst forward at once. He yanked his hair rocking slightly as he was consumed entirely by flashbacks and painful sensory memories. 

He was sobbing and struggling to regain control as flashbacks kept tearing through his mind. He dug his nails into the arm scratching himself hard, till he felt himself tearing his skin and blood running against his skin. He could barely feel it as panic still consumed him. He desperately tried to remember any of the grounding techniques he had learned in therapy but they all seemed to escape him the minute he deeded them. He couldn't remember how to do anything other than sitting here and panicking and crying and hurting. 


	2. Chapter 2

Damian grabbed his phone out of pure muscle memory and dialled Dicks number. He knew he was at work and felt bad for bothering him but Dick had told him a million times to call if he was struggling nad right now he was struggling. He listened to the phone ring and was terrified that DIck wouldn't pick up. Damian covered his mouth trying to quiet himself so he wouldn't be sobbing when Dick answered the phone. 

"Hey, lil'D, what's up?" Dick's voice was calm but curious. Damian didn't make a habit of calling Dick while he was at work unless there was a reason. Damian tried to think of something to say but his brain wasn't cooperating and he just burst out sobbing again. He heard a sound of surprise from the other end "Damian what's wrong, are you okay?" Dick sounded concerned and Damian regretted calling him. He tried to say something but he couldn't get words to form just tears. After several minutes of sobbing and increasingly desperate prompting from Dick on the other line, Damian's brain finally managed for form words. 

"ذكريات الماضي (flashbacks)" he muttered between sobs. His entire body was trembling, he was nauseous and terrified and confused and in pain. he wanted everything to stop. He wanted it all to end. 

"Okay, are you somewhere safe, do you need me to pick you up" Dick's voice was soft.

Damian nodded then realised DIck couldn't see him. "نعم (yes)" He muttered. He had driven his car ot school but right now he knew he couldn't drive back and he was honestly scared of being alone. He wanted to hurt himself, he wanted to cut, to bleed, to stop all this pain but he knew he needed not to. He needed to rely on the coping mechanism, but for some reason, he couldn't think of any. Just pain and panic and fear. 

"Okay lil'D, I will be there in a minute but my phone is dead. I will call you when I get there, will you be okay?"

No

"نعم (yes)" he lied. Dick said a few more words then hung up the phone and Damian suddenly felt overwhelming and unbearable alone and scared. He was unreasonably terrified that his mother would show up and hurt him. Or that Dick would come and he would just leave him alone forever. his temporary lul in his panic was destroyed as a second wave of flashbacks and panic washed over him even stronger than the first one. He knew he was being unreasonable but he was just scared. 

he was terrified of everything. He was terrified that this mother would just walk in or that he would be abandoned and IDck would hate him forever. His breathing was so rapid he was bordering on hyperventilating and his extremities and lips were both beginning to tingle from lack of oxygen. Another painful memory raced through his mind and Damian grabbed his pocket knife out of his pocket. He looked at it desperately, he knew he shouldn't do it but he wanted so badly to calm himself down. He knew that cutting helped calm him down but he had gone so long without it that he didn't want to relapse. He heard something outside the restroom crash and he gasped covering his ears. 

* * *

**his mother threw a glass plate at his head and he instinctually dodged it. Bad idea his mother grew angrier and grabbed him by the throat pinning him to the wall. "did you just fucking dodge me" she growled. Damian tried to talk but her grip was too tight and he couldn't breathe. He scratched at her hand trying to get it off his little neck. But he was too small and nothing he did was working. He felt her grip tighten and he felt himself began to pass out. Before he blacked out completely he was thrown into a shelf and all the contents crashed down around him.**

* * *

Damian grabbed his knife no longer thinking and rolled hi the edge of his shorts tearing the blade across the old healed scars. Pain radiated out and he gasped adding several more cuts deeper and deeper. He looked at the blood watching it drip onto the linoleum floor. He looked at the blood and let sheer sadness and adrenaline take over. By the time he managed to gain control of himself he had multiple deep bleeding cuts over hos leg. 

**"You might as well kill yourself"** his mother's voice rang in his head and he dropped the knife on the ground and lacing his fingers into his hair suddenly realizing what it was he just did. Three years clean all down the garbage as blood rolled down his leg. A new wave of tears began to roll his his face. Dick was going to pick him up and notice the new cuts. He would see how much of a failure Damian was. he was going to see that he was weak and he was going to disown him. Just like mother had Dick was going to give him up for being weak and stupid. 

New panic filled him. He didn't want to be alone, he didn't want Dick to abandon him. He didn't want DIck to see how weak he was and abandon him. He couldn't live if DIkc abandoned him. **"you don't deserve to live. Just end it"** the voice hissed in his mind and he looked at the knife laying on the ground. Maybe he didn't deserve to live. Maybe he should just end it. He whimpered covering his face with his hands just too overwhelmed with everything that he couldn't even think. His head was spinning. 

Dick was going to see that he cut and he was going to abandon him, Damian was sure of it. He couldn't be alone, he couldn't do it. Dick had delt with Damian's relapses before but those had all been small relapses after a few weeks at most. This was a large relapse after almost three weeks. Dick was going to see him and realize that he was beyond helping and abandon him completely. He was going to give up on him, he was going to kick him out and then Damian was going to be alone. 

Between the flashbacks, the panic, and the fear and shame of his relapse Damian was beginning to feel numb and dissociated. He wanted it to just stop, the end. He was tired. he had already fucked up and cut himself he might as well keep going. Since he was already a failure what would one more cut be to the several already on his leg? TO the pattern of scars that came to just below his knee. He picked up his knife again looking at it debating what he wanted to do. Trying to ignore the painful sensory memories of beatings and punishments, trying to ignore his mother's voice in his mind telling him just to end it.

" **come on boy I trained you well. That knife is more than long and sharp enough to slit your throat. You know just how to do it that it would be a painless death."** Damian listened to his mother's voice in his head putting the blade of the knife against his throat. he didn't want to die, he didn't want to kill himself. So why was he here doing this? He closed his eyes feeling like he was barely in control. 

* * *

**"DO you want to die, little boy, cause if you don't get your act together I will kill you" Talia held Damian off the ground with a large danger against his throat. Damian was only three and was in trouble for going to his mother for comfort after a nightmare. He was terrified of the large knife that was sharp against his neck and he could feel blood dripping down onto his collar bone. It wasn't very deep in his skin but it was deep enough to bleed. He didn't want to die, he had come to her cause he thought she would comfort him. After a few minutes of being angry, she threw him to the ground tossing the knife at him so it grazed his arm pretty deep. He bit his lip trying not to cry cause he knew he would end up in more trouble. "now go back to your room and stay there!"**

* * *

Damian was actually partially startled out of his flashbacks by his phone ringing. he dropped the knife again and picked the phone up "hello?" he whispered, his voice was weak from crying. 

"Okay, Damian I'm here, just tell me where you are and ill be there."

Dick's voice was comforting but only for a second before panic settled in and Damian was certain DIck would see the mistake he made and abandon him. He started crying terrified of DIck abandoning him. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry it it it it was a m- it was a mistake I'm sorry I'm sorry" Damian choked over his words. He was terrified that DIck was going to abandon him once he found out. Damian didn't want him to abandon him.

"من فضلك ، أنا آسف ، لم أقصد ذلك ، لقد كان خطأ ، من فضلك لا تكرهني ، لا تتخلى عني من فضلك (please I'm sorry, I I didn't mean to, it was a mistake, please don't hate me, don't don't abandon me please)"

Damian knew he wasn't making any sense but he couldn't help it he was terrified.

"Whoah Dami, slow down. nothing could make me abandon you, just tell me what happened." Dick's voice was calm and level. Damian appreciated it, it gave him something to focus on. Damian wiped a few tears away

"أنا (I)" he was embarrassed to say it. He relapsed, he cut again. He fucked up. "لقد ارتكبت خطأ لقد آذيت نفسي (I made a mistake, I hurt myself) " he muttered weakly. tensing and expecting to be yelled at for fucking up. There was half a second of silence. 

"Oh, Damian. Are you okay?" Dick didn't sound like he was pitying Damian. But like he understood, and of course, he understood. Dick had PTSD from being abused bu Bruce, he had self-harmed before. 

"أنا بخير (I'm fine)" Damian muttered feeling shame but also relief "أنا في مبنى العلوم الاجتماعية (I'm in the social science building)"

"Okay, 'll be there in just a second." Dick hung up his phone and Damian felt terrified that DIck wouldn't come. He had stopped having as many flashbacks but he knew it was only cause he was heavily dissociated and once he snapped out of it he very well could fall right back into that bad place. Damian laid his head on his knees crying softly. He wasn't sure how long he had been in here, he wanted to go home. He was scared and in pain and just felt so numb. 

The knock on the door startled him "داميان ، إنه أنا (Damian, it's me)"

Damian clicked the lock on the door open and laid his head back down. He heard Dick walk into the bathroom and flinched at the light clicking on. He had been so fucked up he had hardly realized that he was sitting here in the dark. A hand touched his shoulder and he whimpered quietly looking up. It was Dick. He was still in uniform and frowning. Damian wanted to jump up and hug him, hold him tightly and have Dick tell him that it was okay. But he didn't, he just looked at him emptily feeling like such a major disappointment. 

"Hey, Dami" Dick smiled softly and brushed Damian's hair back. But from the corner of his vision Damian saw Dick take his pocket knife and slip it into his uniform pocket. He didn't trust Damian, and really Damian didn't trust himself right now. Damian looked away embarrassed, he never should have called Dick. he was almost an adult he should be able to handle this on his own. "what happened?" 

Dick sat down across from him and grabbed a drawstring bag that he was carrying. It was one with first aid supplies and other stuff that Dick usually kept in his car. Damian didn't respond he looked anywhere but at his oldest brother. "can I clean these up?" Dick asked and Damian just nodded but instinctually flinched away the second Dick laid a hand on his leg. Tears brimmed in his eyes and he once again started to crying. 

"أريد أن أموت (I wanna die)" Damian muttered. He had no idea where that came from but there it was. he didn't want to die, this just hurt and he wanted it to stop. He wanted everything to stop. 

"تمهل ، تحدث معي. ماذا حدث؟ (Slow down, talk to me, what happened?)" Dick was bandaging up the cuts and Damian felt nothing but shame. He quietly began to explain what happened in class and how bad the flashbacks had been. How he hadn't meant to hurt himself, he had just wanted to stop the flashbacks. Dick listened and nodded and assured Damian that it was all okay. But Damian didn't feel okay, he felt like a failure. Like he was a fuck up. 

"I'm a failure" Damian muttered still feeling ashamed. Dick finished with the bandage and looked at Damian with his serious face that Damian almost never saw outside of costume. 

"Damian, you relapsed and made a mistake. You didn't fail anything. Recovery isn't linear relapses happen. You were in a bad situation and you did a bad thing, now you can recognize that what you did was wrong and you try again." 

Damian looked at him and grabbed Dicks hand letting the older man help him to his feet. He immediately felt dizzy and grabbed on to DIcks arm to stop from passing out. He hadn't lost that much blood but between the panic attacks, the blood loss, the fact he hadn't eaten since that morning, and the fact that he had been in the same position for almost two hours he was incredibly dizzy. Dick didn't rush him, he left him batch his balance and gather himself again before they started walking back to the car. Damian felt like everyone's eyes were on him and he knew it was probably more due to Dicks police uniform than Damian himself. But he couldn't help but feel like everyone knew and was judging him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And before someone says it. Yes, it can go from a normal day to flashbacks to serious suicidal thoughts that fast.

**Author's Note:**

> Please please please comment
> 
> these are actual arguments I've had in my sociology class as well as actual things that actual people said during our abuse lecture.


End file.
